Scary, scary nights.....

I've had a few of them actually.
When my brother and his family were here they were all (or had been) sick. We had been doing so well, but the day they left things went down hill. Eb had a terrible night and a high fever which I've not really had to deal with. Having experienced a Febrile Convulsion with her I was very 'on guard' though.
We woke the next morning and she still wasn't herself, but I figured we may as well go to Albury for the day. She coped ok, but was very grizzly.
I had made a Doctors appointment for 4.15pm because she had this strange red rash around her eyes and the pharmacist couldn't work out what it was.
I arrived at the Doctor's and when he saw Eb she had a temp of 39.3 - I was horrified and felt like the worst Mum alive. Eb is so good at not complaining. She had obviously been feeling terrible but just didn't complain much at all.
That night and the next we had really, really terrible nights. She was in a horrible sweat (luckily she was sleeping on a stretcher in our bed because Renee was still here). I was up to her 20+ times each night. I have never had to do this with her before. She has a terrible cough too. I felt like I didn't see a smile for almost a week - and she would have NOTHING to do with anyone but me.
Getting Panadol into this child is one of the hardest and most difficult things as a Mum I've ever had to do. I literally have to hold her down and so does her daddy to get it squirted into her mouth and even then she gags. I don't know that she gets much more than 3ml of the 5 I'm trying to give her. My brother watched us do it one night and he had tears in his eyes just watching her (and my) distress.

One thing that has come out of this week for me though - is just how much she now loves and trusts me.
I have a dear friend whose darling little adopted daughter was placed in her arms on Monday. Sunday night this is what I wrote to her....

"Tonight, as I lay my sick little girl's head on her pillow and tried to calm her exhausted tears my thoughts made their way to you.

Tonight, as has been the case for almost 4 days now, my little cherub has only wanted me....no one else but me.

Tonight, in her disturbed sleep, all she wanted was her mummy to keep gently touching her face and her hair.

Tonight she needed what I could give her.

2.5 years ago the story was very different.

It's taken 2.5 years to get to this point.

Why do I tell you this? I think you know the answer.

What is in store for you tomorrow....and for the days/weeks/months that lay before you.

Your story may be very, very different than ours. But what I want to say more than anything else is .... it is so worth it.

Every fear, every tear that I have cried or felt over the past few years. Tears and fears for how much little girl is doing emotionally - comes to a time like this, when all she wants is her mummy.

You have been a mummy to a little girl before and I know this time will bring with it a certain amount of pain.

Hold on to the truth that you know in your heart.

With precious little children - LOVE WINS."

I ended up posting that same story on our FCC and AAC yahoo sites (both dedicated adoption from China sites) and have had some really touching and beautiful responses....which led me to write this....

"Thanks for everyone's lovely responses!

Fi - what you've written fits EXACTLY into how I feel! Every time I write of how the bonding/attachment is improving on Ebony's website I see another month go and find myself amazed all over again. Maybe you are right that this is a journey that will never really end, but the one really, really wonderful thing is that it just keeps getting better.

I really did have a time when I honestly thought that my little girl was just not a 'cuddly' or 'kissy' girl and my heart ached so much for that reality. She has mostly 'wanted' me - but she would turn her face away if we got 'too close' and she would avoid eye contact. (That was as recently as 4-6 months ago). Now she just wants to be cuddled. She wants me to sit with her, she wants me to play beside her - she wants to hold my face in her hands and smother me with kisses - she wants to pat me and hold me if I hurt myself and asks with her big wide beautiful brown eyes 'you ok mummy - I kiss better for you?'. She just lays in my arms and snuggles whenever she gets a chance. Last night she came up to Graham and I and said '3 cuddle?' which is when we lift her up and the three of us have a cuddle. It was beautiful and brought a tear to both our eyes.

She has come SUCH a long way - and as a mummy I am more grateful than words could say that I have been given the gift of a loving, snugly, kissy girl - no matter how long the wait!

Tracey and all of Batch 27....and the batches still to be allocated. My what a wonderful and rewarding journey this is. Hard at times yes!, but oh, oh so worthwhile!"

So - although it's been painful and hard - I can see the silver lining and, as I have said, I am so grateful for the gift that God has given me in the form of this precious little beautiful girl.

Being a mummy to a sick little girl has shown me just how strong the bond of love that exists between a mother and daughter is - even if she isn't flesh of my flesh.