Sunday, August 19, 2007
Tonight I cried...
because tonight I put to bed a beautiful, joy filled, happy little one year old and tomorrow I wake to a beautiful, joy filled, happy little two year old. What is the difference really? I don't know - I can't explain - but I know that her birth mother could tell me - I know that my tears are mingled with her tears - her pain - my pain....my joy. I love my little girl - I love who she is becoming - I'm blessed beyond measure and yet tears fall down my cheeks because her first birthday milestone is tomorrow - her first birth celebration is happening and I'm still letting go of my baby. I need help to get through the feelings - I need peace to understand how quickly this is happening. She's mine and always will be, yet a part of her belongs elsewhere - I just don't know what to do with these feelings....I can't look at my girl at the moment and not wonder what's happening in the heart of another woman. What more can I say - I can't truly articulate my feelings...I'll leave it to you - the reader - to help me.
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4 comments:
Oh Jen,
I think I can hear joy, confusion, frustration, love, longing and hope. And while there are no easy answers sometimes (and you know that), there is also the wonderful joy and confidence in knowing that your Heavenly Father holds both you and Ebony in his hands of love and that as His children, all your days and all Ebony's days were ordained and written in his book before the creation of the world. Wow.
Psa 139:13-16 For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother's womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful;
I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,
your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me
were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
God knew Ebony would spend her second birthday in your arms and he also knew the journey of emotions that you would be experiencing. He knows Ebony's birth mother too and this whole journey is in his perfect plan, even though there are elements of sadness and things that are hard to understand or explain in this plan, there is also wonderful joy that is yours to embrace.
I don't think the poignancy of celebrating a child's birthday ever leaves - I look at my children and wonder where the years have gone - the years seem so long and yet so short. So much to remember and still so much to do and say.
Remember these days, these thoughts these questions and these feelings, because one day they may be Ebony's very own questions, but remember them with confidence - for you are God's child, hiking these mountains and valleys with His hand firmly grasping yours.
Do not be afraid - our God gives peace and hope.
2Th 2:16-17 May our Lord Jesus Christ himself and God our Father, who loved us and by his grace gave us eternal encouragement and good hope, encourage your hearts and strengthen you in every good deed and word.
Be encouraged Jen, God's task for you as a mother is special and challenging - but He is your strength.
Happy Birthday sweet Ebony! You are very blessed to have your mum and dad who love you so much and doubly blessed because the Lord Jesus loves you and died to bring you back to Himself. Have a special birthday with your special family.
From Missy and her family.
I have thought about this day for a while now and guessed there would be pain and sadness mingled with the joy and celebration! I know I felt sad when Liz turned two - I too cried when I realised my "baby" was turning two and really isn't a baby anymore.
Don't deny the feelings and maybe don't even try to understand them. God will continue to reveal things to you - as always in his perfect time - and when the clarity comes, so too will the complete and utter joy that you deserve! Love lots
Bernie
Happy Birthday Little Ebony!
Hope you all had a lovely day of celebrations!
Hugz
Sharon & John
I don't blame you... I too would be crying with joy and happiness... right now I am in the 16th month of our wait to go to China to get our daughter... the wait is awful but I know it isn't 'time' to go there. I am an Australian, living in Florida, USA and like seeing all those kids going to Australia - can't you tell I am homesick... lol... I am hoping to get my daughter an Australian citizen, as well as an American citizen at some stage... well, I will drop by again... take care...
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