....I meant to say

3rd entry for today! I thought you might enjoy seeing the magnificent eyelashes my daughter has been blessed with....not something that is common in China to my understanding!......

And now for an Ebony update too!

I've just done an entry on the progress of the home - so 2 entries today.
What can I say about my little girl????? She gave me another kiss this morning....such joy for me!...a week between them, but I don't care :) She continues to give hugs (when she feels like it) and she is still only saying a few words...although I think she's adding 'up' to that.
She's also climbing heaps! and on everything...very normal I'm sure, but also very frightening at times!
We traveled to my Mum and Dad in Lakes Entrance on the weekend - left Friday and returned Monday. We all had a wonderful - relaxing time together. Ebony got to go for lovely walks with her Pa and, although she was a bit slower to come around to Nan - it's only a matter of time. If we'd had one more day I think it would have made the difference. I know she will come to adore both of them.
Ebony has grown 3.5cm and put on .5kg since we received her - looks like she could be tallish by Chinese standards. I feel like she's growing before my eyes (obviously!). Already clothes I love aren't fitting as well. Welcome to motherhood again.
We visited the local Maternal Health Nurse last Thursday - 2 days after Ebony turned 19 months and Sue is very happy with her. She wants me to concentrate on her fine motor skills with her hands - so we've been working on that. We joined the toy library so we have access to lots of lovely toys now.
Ebony's still not really well - she's on her second lot of antibiotics for a chesty cold - (how horrible is it forcefully giving a child oral drops!!!!!) she hates it and so do I.
Ebony is an absolutely wonderful sleeper - she has slept 10am to noon and then 3.15 to 5 today...most ever. She still sleeps about 12 hours overnight and around 2 during the day. She's starting to wake at night a bit (crying or even screaming last night) - this could be the beginning of 'night terrors' - something many adopted children suffer from.
Well - it's time to let you enjoy some photo's. I'm sure there's more to report - but it's time to make dinner for my family. xxx

Building progressing...

Yes - a quick update on our home.
The tiler is working away as I write. I feel like we are finally getting close to the end. He thinks he will be there (floor and wall tiles) until Easter - after that we have the electrician and painter (and plumber Graham) to finish their bits - then the carpet and window coverings - balustrade, mirrors, shower screens and cupboard fitouts to do and we could move in. Sounds like a lot when I put it that way actually - but it feels so much closer! We really believe we'll be in by the end of April but we'll see. To look at, it feels much more 'finished'. Anyway here are some photo's - it's very slow at this stage and nothing much changes for photo's - that's why I haven't written as much....that and a little excuse named "Ebony" :)

Has it really been 12 weeks today?

Yes...it has. 12 weeks ago today we held our beautiful daughter in our arms for the first time and tomorrow she turns 19 months. Since my last post I have finally looked at the video of our time in China. Graham and I looked at our 'Forever Day' video tonight and both wept. I can't believe the little girl we have today is the same girl we picked up on that day. She was so scared and so quiet - very different to the little girl I hold in my arms today. Ebony is confident, fun - not at all shy - puts on the charm for others and gets really excited when she gets attention. It's such fun to watch. I love her with an inexpressible love. Today she kissed me properly for the very first time. Over the last few days she has started to REALLY hug me. When I get her up in the morning she just snuggles into me. My heart melts and tears come to my eyes very quickly.
Ebony is changing and growing and I can't do anything to stop that....but I can love and enjoy it. There is little sweeter than when she comes into the kitchen and just buries her little head into my legs and wraps her arms around them. She just loves it when either of us spend time on the floor with her. I can't describe the feelings I have in my heart. I can't believe 12 weeks has already gone. I love this little girl more and more every day. I love the toys I trip over, the face I wipe dry after her bath, the hand that keeps seeking mine, the smile that appears on her face as soon as she sees me in the morning....the list goes on and on.
Well - time for some photo's. And yes, we are still building our home (sorry Tawni it's taken a while to get photo's!) so I'll include some of them too. For now....enjoy our little blessing.

Blue vein cheese, olive dip, bircher museli and......swimming!

Yes - that's my little girl. She's taken to eating blue vein cheese - loves olive dip and has been enjoying bircher muesli....until this morning! when she rejected it. I tried good 'ol wheat bix for the first time and she REALLY enjoyed it! It's amazing what she'll eat now. I can't believe she ever didn't eat solids. Even though she's had a cold this week, she's just doing so well. Sleep has been very erratic and she's not having the solid sleeps she was having - but I'm quite sure that's just related to her cold!
Yesterday she had her first 'swim lesson' and she did so well. The instructor saw her 'one on one' which was great for us. Daddy came along too so he could take photo's.....yes - they're below if you haven't already looked :) ! She took to the water just like a fish and now I hope to take her every week - not for lessons but just to practice some of the things we learnt yesterday. The instructor said 1-2 a month with her would do - the rest of the time is just practice. Anyway, just wanted to share a few more 'firsts' with you ...... now enjoy some photo's!

How did I ever get this lucky?

I can't believe it when I look into Ebony's eyes. I can't believe it when the babyseat is empty and I'm in the car alone. I can't believe it when I see my little girl grab her doll or a soft toy and give it a hug. I can't believe it when I see her try to 'kiss' her daddy in her special 'bless you' book that has a photo of her daddy in it. I can't believe it when she put's her tiny little hand in mine and looks up to me with joy in her eyes. I can't believe it when I watch or listen to her playing contentedly on her own - just wandering from toy to toy or place to place. I can't believe it when she runs to my open arms and throws herself into them. I can't believe it when I look at the joy on her face when her daddy comes home and the sadness when he leaves. I can't believe it when she looks up at me with trust and her face changes to a beautiful smile that takes in every bit of her face - not just some bits like it did once. I can't believe it when I see her eat sweet potato, beans, spinach, zucchini and corn in one sitting! (all mashed together). I can't believe it when she happily goes to slelep without a sound (especially if it happens to be in my arms). I can't believe it when she says 'ta' when she wants something. I can't believe that she is mine - that she will be mine for ever....how did I get this lucky?

18 months old and 8 weeks with us

My little toddler is now 18 months old. We'll never know what time she was born like so many pieces of her past. But we do know one thing - that she was born for us. She fits into our family like a hand into a glove and we can't imagine life without her.
She now has 16 teeth - her eye teeth are through and so are her 1st molars. She's healthy, happy and full of fun and giggles. She still absolutely loves people (especially little ones). She's still not saying a lot, dadadad, nananan and the occasional mumumum, but she's become far more aware of words - when I say get the ball - she goes to the ball, when I say clap hands, she claps them without me doing it. She's eating lots, lots more now (mashed up vegies! yay) and fruit and custard.
It doesn't worry me in the slightest that the clothesline is barely ever empty now - there are constantly toys to step around (or fall over!) and usually a little hand wrapped around my leg. It's what I've dreamed of - what I've longed for. I don't want to waste one single moment - I'm totally besotted by my little girl. I've never found tears of joy come to my eyes so easily - I never knew you could love a child more and more with each heartbeat - I didn't know my heart was capable of this sort of love - but it is and there are so, so many more heartbeats in our future.
God truly blessed us when He gave us the gift of our little Ebony. Here's some moments for you to enjoy.

Was there really life before....

Ebony! I can't believe how this little girl fills my days. It's 10.30pm and I'm seeing photo's of her come up on my screen saver and all I want to do is wake her up and hug her and hold her to me and just love her. She's my dream - she's my reality. She's everything and I can't believe how much she is to me after only 44 days. What will it be like in a few years.
My back is so much better and I'm just loving my time with Ebony. Forget the housework! ..... (I can't believe I said that!) We've had so much fun this week. Monday we went to 'playgroup' for the first time. We both enjoyed it and my niece - Jess - who was visiting, came along and took some great photo's (she enjoyed it too!). Tuesday Ebony and I travelled into Wodonga to choose tiles and lighting for the new home. She was a gem! Didn't sleep much, but sure enjoyed her time with mummy (and mummy with her!). She also had her first attempt at saying 'mummy' - more a 'n' than a 'm' - but a start. She's also attempted kissing! So many milestones each day - I could write and write - but I'll just post some photo's for you instead!

Will this be the last time?

Things have changed so much in such a short time. That scared little girl that would kinda snuggle in at times is now going at 100 miles an hour! When she gets to sleep she sleeps really well. 10-12 hours overnight and 2-3 during the day. But getting her to sleep can be very difficult! The one thing I'm doing that I never thought I would, is staying with her until she falls asleep. If we try to leave her she just screams. My reason for doing this is because she has been surrounded by noise and children/people all her life in the Orphanage and to put her in a quiet room is really hard for her. I'm not sure how/when we'll break this pattern, but I may well wait until we're in the new home. That will be yet another adjustment for her. I need to get a portable CD player for her room so we can play music for her. Sometimes it only takes a few minutes to get her to sleep - other times it can take 3/4 to 1 hour! I think it has a lot to do with how overtired she is. The less overtired, the easier to get her to sleep. Here's photo's taken tonight of her falling asleep in my arms on the couch. This sure doesn't happen often now and I'll never know when it will be the last time - but I'll try to savor every time it does happen as if it's the last. It's trully a beautiful feeling and I could sit and watch her sleep forever.

Oh! yes...we are still building a home aren't we???

Gosh - how time flies! Here I am saying on the 25/2 that I would post in a few days...sure! I can't believe that was a week and a 1/2 ago :)
Life is settling down somewhat. Yes I'm going to include photo's of our new home's progress I promise. It's moving along quite well really and we hope to be in by mid to late March. What a joy that will be. I love living where we are, but I'm just getting a bit over walking out to the garage to try and find things from boxes so frequently!
Ebony...now Ebony news.....She's beautiful, adorable, smiling, happy, EATING, full of fun and being a generally adorable toddler. She even likes vegemite..... Yes - I'm enjoying here more and more each day. We still have bad days or at least bad 'times', but all in all she's settling in very well. We had to travel back to Melbourne last weekend and it was a VERY full on few days. She got to meet more people than I could point a stick at I think and she was incredibly good and happy with almost everyone. We had a bit of a melt down the first night we were there - and I wondered if we had put her through change too quickly - and possibly we did. She seemed to be absolutely terrified. Interestingly the next few days were like a dream. She is cutting 4 eye teeth and 4 molars - so that could be all it was. She's a toddler....who would really know?????
She has started to really learn things - now if we ask her to clap her hands (without actually doing it ourselves) she claps! That happened last Tuesday 30/1 and melted me. It was like a huge relief to see that she was starting to comprehend. Now she can put her hands on her head when we ask her too along with a couple of other small things. The local Maternal Health Nurse visited on Friday night and she's a bit concerned about Ebony's development - but I truly believe that she's just not up with children who have lived the first 16 months of their life in an Orphanage. I don't want to bury my head in the sand, but I also trust my instincts. I'll do all that is suggested (OT and Audiologist etc), but I feel quietly confident she'll pass with flying colours.
She also had her first time in an in-ground pool yesterday and she absolutely loved it! It was a delight to see. I actually decided to buy her a small wading pool - which we tried out tonight and she had a ball! She loves water!
Her eating is improving no end. I can't believe she's the same child we brought home 3 weeks ago today.
I look at her beautiful little face and I can see how much her demeanor has changed. She had a long face when we first met her - now it seems much more round (does that sound stupid?). It's like her little face reflects how much happier she is.
Graham and I still look at her and both our eyes fill with tears. (I've included a picture of the 'crocs' daddy couldn't resist buying for her !!!) We are so in love with her. God sure knew what He was doing when He gave us her! She is very independent, but she's also very loving and so beautifully happy. Here you are....enjoy some beautiful photo's.

And here's our beauty one month on....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8Bm-X1chzVI

1 month along and lots of cold cups of tea!

Has it been a month? In some ways it seems like forever and in other ways it seems like yesterday....since what? Since my life was turned upside down :) ... I have made SO many cups of tea and found them cold some time later!
I want to take a moment to thank all the wonderful people that gently and kindly left posts - either privately or publicly - in response to my entry last Friday. You are wonderful people that put my heart at ease - your honesty had me weeping at times and I appreciate your wisdom and your willingness to share your heart and your thoughts with me.
I think the back pain I've been experiencing has coloured so much of my journey at this point. I had 2 really good days (in comparison to others) on Monday and Tuesday - and then yesterday morning I redid my injury, only this time it was on the left side of my back not the right. The pain has been overwhelming. I've had a lot of surgery in the past and put up with a lot of pain - but day after day of pain like this is something I've never had to deal with. It gives me a far greater understanding of what my mum and my husband have had to endure. I wouldn't wish this on anyone.
Needless to say - I just haven't been able to enjoy Ebony in the way I would so love to - but I do know that time will come. She is still melting my heart at times and pulling my heart out of my chest at other times. She swings from the happiest little girl to the angriest little girl in a heartbeat - but I now understand this is common with children who have never experienced love. Can you imagine that? Never to have experienced deep love at the age of 17 months. She doesn't know for sure yet that we are going to stay in her life - she doesn't know that we love her and would never leave her or harm her - she doesn't know who we are - she doesn't know what stability is or what a 'home' is. No wonder she swings in her moods. She desperately wants to be held all the time - which has been incredibly difficult for me. Graham has been able to stay home as much as he can - but there's a price to pay for that too with him being under so much pressure to build a home and provide an income too. I couldn't do this without him at the moment - he's been the shining light in a very dark tunnel. Graham and Ebony are bonding so well - she really wants him most of the time and as much as I'm delighted about it, it also breaks my heart because I just can't be what she needs at the moment. I'm glad God knows - 'cause I sure don't.
Yesterday we had some wonderful friends visit and stay for dinner (which the darling Teresa cooked so I could rest!). It was great and we took the children down to the creek and you'll see somem of the result in the photo's below. It was lovely family time and I'm looking forward to more of these when our home is built!.
Well, I'll post some photo's of the progress on the house in the next day or so, but in the meantime, here's a couple of photo's of my little angel.

Day 27 part b

Day 27

17 months old today

Day 17 part b

Day 17 part a

Video taken on day 9

A video taken on our Forever Day

Goodbye handbag - hello baby bag

How different could life be? I know all you who are mums already knew what it would be like - I never for one minute thought it would be easy - and it isn't. I love my little girl with a kind of love that I never knew possible. I now know that saying "you didn't grow under my heart - but you grew in it" is more true than ever. I would die for this little human being. She fills my day with sunshine and, at times, with showers. But I must say it's so different having to prepare a nappy bag every time I go out now - mostly my handbag stays on the couch these days. As long as I have my keys and purse the rest doesn't seem to matter. Even make up has become a bit of a thing of the past!
I don't know why more people in the adoption community don't talk about the difficulties that happen when you return - anyone I have spoken to has said what I'm going through is normal - yet no-one prepares you. I want to prepare others for the gamete of emotions that happen and for the dependence, even from a now 17 month old, that can happen. We talk so much about attachment of the child to us - but attachment from us to the child is never mentioned.
There are times when I look in my daughters face and think "who are you to me really" - what does mother/daughter really mean? What does it mean to you and what does it mean to me?
What I'm about to say could open me to criticism - but if you know me and know my heart you will know I'm simply being honest because I want to help anyone else who is about to embark on this leg of the journey. I love my little girl and I would never, ever, ever go back.
Ebony is far more demanding of my time than I would have ever expected - is that wrong? No. She's never had attention like she is getting now - she has had us 24/7 for the 4 weeks since she was placed in our arms. Now we are home and life is different. There have been suitcases to unpack, clothes to wash (and try to hang out), meals to cook (and eat if possible) - bills to pay, a house to build, a daddy who has to go to work at some stage. Ebony is not getting our attention the same way she was and she's really struggling. She follows me around and constantly wants to be held or carried (VERY difficult when you have bulged disc in your back which happened 12 hours before we left China and is another story for another day), but it's difficult even if you don't have a bad back. She can't seem to play happily on her own. We have very short windows where she will - but they are very short. I guess this is normal under the circumstances.
I also don't want to keep saying no to her when she touches the TV/computer/fire place - so what do I do? I think I've worked than one out - I distract her. I say a firm 'no', but then I remove her and take her to her toys. She does return eventually and we go through the same process. She is only 17 months old today and is not developed as a normal 17 month old would be - so I need to understand how new all this is to her too.
Toys - that's another interesting topic. Very little seems to keep her happy at the moment. I'm about to try to introduce a few and take away a few. I don't want her to have too many at once - but I'm not wanting to be mean either.
Sleeping - at the moment we've decided that we will get her off to sleep with us around and then transfer her to her cot. I'm not sure how we'll break this habit, but I know we will eventually. She has spent almost no time on her own since she was found - so that's a tough one. She's waking up in her cot in the morning and copes with that fine. Her sleeping pattern is wonderful - she sleeps 12+ hours most nights, although we had one night when we got home where she was awake from 3.30am until 5.45am (then slept until 10.30am)! We are trying to get her into a pattern. She will sleep 2-3 hours during the day too. She really is a wonderful sleeper and I'm so grateful for that - it gives me a chance to get some things done. I want to be able to play with her, but my back is making it almost impossible to get down on the floor. More than anything at the moment I want my back to get better! then maybe I'll start to know a new kind of different.
Eating - Ebony doesn't want to eat. She has 3 bottles a day which are a mixture of milk formula and rice cereal. The Orphanage also put glucose in her bottle but I've managed to wean her off that. She will eat cruskits now and a tiny bit of cheese and she'll put saltanas in her mouth but won't swallow them. I'm looking forward to seeing the Pediatrician and her doctor next week that's for sure!
She really does love her bath and that's a blessing and she also loves her stroller. We want to try and do a family outing soon where she can explore and see a bit of the outside world. It has been SO hot here that we have been inside most of the time - it's just too hot to go out. That's probably not helping either.

Well - there is so much more I want to say, but will leave it for a few days. I really don't know how much of what I'm feeling is due to my back. Maybe the sun would be shining much brighter if I wasn't in pain. I'm still a very, very happy Mummy, I'm just a bit confused and I guess all new Mummys go through all these feelings.