How different could life be? I know all you who are mums already knew what it would be like - I never for one minute thought it would be easy - and it isn't. I love my little girl with a kind of love that I never knew possible. I now know that saying "you didn't grow under my heart - but you grew in it" is more true than ever. I would die for this little human being. She fills my day with sunshine and, at times, with showers. But I must say it's so different having to prepare a nappy bag every time I go out now - mostly my handbag stays on the couch these days. As long as I have my keys and purse the rest doesn't seem to matter. Even make up has become a bit of a thing of the past!
I don't know why more people in the adoption community don't talk about the difficulties that happen when you return - anyone I have spoken to has said what I'm going through is normal - yet no-one prepares you. I want to prepare others for the gamete of emotions that happen and for the dependence, even from a now 17 month old, that can happen. We talk so much about attachment of the child to us - but attachment from us to the child is never mentioned.
There are times when I look in my daughters face and think "who are you to me really" - what does mother/daughter really mean? What does it mean to you and what does it mean to me?
What I'm about to say could open me to criticism - but if you know me and know my heart you will know I'm simply being honest because I want to help anyone else who is about to embark on this leg of the journey. I love my little girl and I would never, ever, ever go back.
Ebony is far more demanding of my time than I would have ever expected - is that wrong? No. She's never had attention like she is getting now - she has had us 24/7 for the 4 weeks since she was placed in our arms. Now we are home and life is different. There have been suitcases to unpack, clothes to wash (and try to hang out), meals to cook (and eat if possible) - bills to pay, a house to build, a daddy who has to go to work at some stage. Ebony is not getting our attention the same way she was and she's really struggling. She follows me around and constantly wants to be held or carried (VERY difficult when you have bulged disc in your back which happened 12 hours before we left China and is another story for another day), but it's difficult even if you don't have a bad back. She can't seem to play happily on her own. We have very short windows where she will - but they are very short. I guess this is normal under the circumstances.
I also don't want to keep saying no to her when she touches the TV/computer/fire place - so what do I do? I think I've worked than one out - I distract her. I say a firm 'no', but then I remove her and take her to her toys. She does return eventually and we go through the same process. She is only 17 months old today and is not developed as a normal 17 month old would be - so I need to understand how new all this is to her too.
Toys - that's another interesting topic. Very little seems to keep her happy at the moment. I'm about to try to introduce a few and take away a few. I don't want her to have too many at once - but I'm not wanting to be mean either.
Sleeping - at the moment we've decided that we will get her off to sleep with us around and then transfer her to her cot. I'm not sure how we'll break this habit, but I know we will eventually. She has spent almost no time on her own since she was found - so that's a tough one. She's waking up in her cot in the morning and copes with that fine. Her sleeping pattern is wonderful - she sleeps 12+ hours most nights, although we had one night when we got home where she was awake from 3.30am until 5.45am (then slept until 10.30am)! We are trying to get her into a pattern. She will sleep 2-3 hours during the day too. She really is a wonderful sleeper and I'm so grateful for that - it gives me a chance to get some things done. I want to be able to play with her, but my back is making it almost impossible to get down on the floor. More than anything at the moment I want my back to get better! then maybe I'll start to know a new kind of different.
Eating - Ebony doesn't want to eat. She has 3 bottles a day which are a mixture of milk formula and rice cereal. The Orphanage also put glucose in her bottle but I've managed to wean her off that. She will eat cruskits now and a tiny bit of cheese and she'll put saltanas in her mouth but won't swallow them. I'm looking forward to seeing the Pediatrician and her doctor next week that's for sure!
She really does love her bath and that's a blessing and she also loves her stroller. We want to try and do a family outing soon where she can explore and see a bit of the outside world. It has been SO hot here that we have been inside most of the time - it's just too hot to go out. That's probably not helping either.
Well - there is so much more I want to say, but will leave it for a few days. I really don't know how much of what I'm feeling is due to my back. Maybe the sun would be shining much brighter if I wasn't in pain. I'm still a very, very happy Mummy, I'm just a bit confused and I guess all new Mummys go through all these feelings.
6 comments:
Hi Jen,
I just wanted to say a big 'thank you' for your honesty. As a mum of two bio kids, I have experienced the highs and lows of parenting, and I just wanted to say how much I admire your truthfulness. Being a mum IS tough, and being a mum to someeone you have only known for four weeks is even tougher!! Hang in there - our thoughts and prayers are with you all. Love, Cristina
Dear Jen,
First time being a mum is hard. As much as there are so many rewards, and we wouldn't have it any other way, the first few?! months, learning to discover "who" your new baby is, well it is tough. My sister tried to "prepare" me for motherhood but I really didn't listen. I read book after book, etc, etc but it wasn't until it happened to me that I fully understood what it was all about. Everything you have said was exactly how I was feeling with my first son. For me: my freedom was gone; I was now responsible for this tiny being and it scared the begeevers out of me; my time was no longer my own; I was tired and felt alone, madly trying to get into some kind of "routine". Day by day, I grew to love my child (no, for me, it wasn't instant). I gradually learned what I needed to do. Just when I thought I'd worked it out, we'd go to another "plateau" and have to learn all over again. Parenthood is a rollercoaster ride, there's no doubt about that. With my kids now 11 and 9, I am the proudest, luckiest and most loved mum in the whole wide world!! I just wished I'd enjoyed their baby years more than I did.
Keep taking "baby steps" and remember we are all out here (in cyberspace) if you need us.
HI Jen,
I will post here rather than email privately because your right you don't hear about some of the issues in open forums.
Now I can only speak from the perspective I what I have learnt about attachment and child development both from adoptive families and obviously through my work (I work in long day care for those wondering). So take what I say with a grain of salt.
It will take about 3 to 6 months (I know a long time) to help Ebony alter some of her behaviours patterns and even then many of them may stay with her. (it takes some children at my work 3 mths to settle into creche)
With the eating thing maybe taking the regression approach would be effective, so take the approach as though she is only starting, so maybe look at what a 6 month old eats (i.e. rice cereal and mashed vegetables then weatbix) and then take progressive steps from there. Most likely it will be difficult.
I know a family did this with the issue of sleeping and they ended up having a acceptable level of success after 3 mths.
With the need for attention you might need to also approach this from a regression point of view as well because really emotionally she is unlikely to be her physical age. But that of a baby much younger and they tend to require constant parent attention. Maybe you could keep a time sampling record of how long she plays each day so you know if there is an improvement at all.
And remember one minute is an improvement.
Last year I worked with a 4 year old who has a variety of issues and delays - at the start of the year basically one of the staff had to be constantly watching her or involved in her play her 50 minutes out of the hour! By the end of the year it was the opposite with maybe 10 minutes from the hour of us having to direct her play! So there are improvements, but remember these might come in minutes rather than hours!
I do think what your experiencing in adoptive circles might actually be considered the normal for the first or only child in the household. Maybe those with children living in the household have the added advantage because there is someone else to give the attention!
If you worried about saying no all the time there are some things you can do. But mind you some of this might be a be radical and not for you (not even sure it would be more me!!!). The items that can be moved maybe you want to move them to another location altogether (not sure if this is possible with your current living situation).
Or you can go with baby sign language (makaton), this way you are still maintaining your limits with Ebony but with out the negative concept of verbal renfiorcement.......though I reckon a large % of many parents go through the "no' stage - it actually sounds like a good thing to me because it's typical toddler/baby transition stage!
LOL all I can say is Renn (DH) is going to be in for a huge shock in 2009 as he is going to be our primary caregiver at home!
Jacinta
It's your Ma here,Jen,
Oh how I wished I could help you Jen
but we are 4 hours by car apart.I only just read your blog tonight ,I opened it up this afternoon and got distracted looking at the video clips and this led me to YouTube clips and I lost 2 hours no trouble.
How wonderful people are,to take the time and feed helpful advice to a person they don't even know.But you can tell that they have empathy for you and your situation.
I know you well enough to say that
you will take it all on board and
sift through it all and use some of it at least.
Jen you are so fortunate to have
God on your case and you know that He will never leave you nor forsake you. God has been faithful to you in giving you this beautiful little girl,I myself love her to death.!!
We have waited soooooo long for
Ebony to come into the family and already she has grown in everyone's heart.
When your back gets better, (and I'll continue to pray for you,)many things will be easier to cope with.
Keep on enjoying being a Mum and
take each day, NO,each moment each new issue can be dealt with one by one.
How blessed you are that Ebony loves her Daddy too and he likewise loves her so much so the
3 of you will make the perfect team in the future
Looking so forward to seeing you in
a little over a week,what a bonus that is that we'll both be in Melbourne at the same time.
God bless you 3, talk to you soon.
.....................Ma.XXX
We have 2 bio kids and just came home from China with our 3rd. I don't know you but your feelings are completely normal. Give yourself a break...it's only been a short time. When I had my first son and was still in the hospital (C-Section), my friend was visiting me. The baby started crying and my friend said, "What does he want?" I replied, "I don't know...I just met him too!" Silly story but basically, no one expects you to be perfect and know all the answers all the time. It is a huge adjustment and you'll both take it one step at a time. Also, I have a bad back and have been carrying my new daughter in an Ergo carrier and my back feels great. Good luck! TS
Dear Jen
I am only relatively new to your blog but I have enjoyed reading about your meeting with Ebony. You have gotten some really wonderful advice and I don't have much else to add that is different. We have not adopted yet but have 4 biological sons and are waiting for our file to go to Ethiopia. I think the most important thing to remember is that even though Ebony is 17 mths you need to act like she is 4 weeks old. Albeit a 4 week old who can walk and follow you around. Don't put too many expectations on yourself, like any new mother of 4 weeks you are not expected to get all your jobs done and be on top of everything. You will most certainly feel better when your back has healed. Thank you for your honesty and I agree it is important to be prepared for the good and the not so good parts of being a mother. Good luck
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