I want to take a moment to thank all the wonderful people that gently and kindly left posts - either privately or publicly - in response to my entry last Friday. You are wonderful people that put my heart at ease - your honesty had me weeping at times and I appreciate your wisdom and your willingness to share your heart and your thoughts with me.
I think the back pain I've been experiencing has coloured so much of my journey at this point. I had 2 really good days (in comparison to others) on Monday and Tuesday - and then yesterday morning I redid my injury, only this time it was on the left side of my back not the right. The pain has been overwhelming. I've had a lot of surgery in the past and put up with a lot of pain - but day after day of pain like this is something I've never had to deal with. It gives me a far greater understanding of what my mum and my husband have had to endure. I wouldn't wish this on anyone.
Needless to say - I just haven't been able to enjoy Ebony in the way I would so love to - but I do know that time will come. She is still melting my heart at times and pulling my heart out of my chest at other times. She swings from the happiest little girl to the angriest little girl in a heartbeat - but I now understand this is common with children who have never experienced love. Can you imagine that? Never to have experienced deep love at the age of 17 months. She doesn't know for sure yet that we are going to stay in her life - she doesn't know that we love her and would never leave her or harm her - she doesn't know who we are - she doesn't know what stability is or what a 'home' is. No wonder she swings in her moods. She desperately wants to be held all the time - which has been incredibly difficult for me. Graham has been able to stay home as much as he can - but there's a price to pay for that too with him being under so much pressure to build a home and provide an income too. I couldn't do this without him at the moment - he's been the shining light in a very dark tunnel. Graham and Ebony are bonding so well - she really wants him most of the time and as much as I'm delighted about it, it also breaks my heart because I just can't be what she needs at the moment. I'm glad God knows - 'cause I sure don't.
Yesterday we had some wonderful friends visit and stay for dinner (which the darling Teresa cooked so I could rest!). It was great and we took the children down to the creek and you'll see somem of the result in the photo's below. It was lovely family time and I'm looking forward to more of these when our home is built!.
Well, I'll post some photo's of the progress on the house in the next day or so, but in the meantime, here's a couple of photo's of
my litt
le angel.
2 comments:
Oh!! My Jen, With all the clouds in your heavenly joy, I know that you wouldn't go back and be left with empty arms and that's what you have to remind yourself of each time a cloud pops up. It is a great pity that you can't do for Ebony like you'd like to and we don't know what purpose God has for this hiccup with your back so painful but we know that it will all turn out for good in the long run.
Don't be tooo independent to accept help.I know people would only be too happy to come over and do whatever needs to be done.Even if
someone came over for a few hours and helped you lifting Ebony when she needs to be changed, in that time Graham could be free to go to work. I would be over in a flash if that was possible. Distance in this country is too big for Nana's and daughters.
I laugh when I think of that pair of swimmers I got for Ebony on ebay,they would have fitted her when she was 3 months old,she looks
like life is just great when she was in the creek with you,no not UP the creek!!!! Oh sick humor.
Hope you have a great time with
Cheryl and Dave these next few days,give them my love.
I'll still keep looking forward to seeing you next week, pray all goes well and you too can plan to make the trip. Dad still is a doubtful starter at this stage.
Must go and have a look at the inside of my eyelids so I'll say goodnight to you 3 and may God bless you heaps...........Ma XXX
Dear Jen,
It's great to hear that things are improving where the eating is concerned. Even taking a little food must feel like such an achievement. What a nuisance about your back, though - just when things were looking up! I will continue to pray (as will my mum) for healing.
Love you and can't wait to see all 3 of you soon!
Bern
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