Oh! yes...we are still building a home aren't we???

Gosh - how time flies! Here I am saying on the 25/2 that I would post in a few days...sure! I can't believe that was a week and a 1/2 ago :)
Life is settling down somewhat. Yes I'm going to include photo's of our new home's progress I promise. It's moving along quite well really and we hope to be in by mid to late March. What a joy that will be. I love living where we are, but I'm just getting a bit over walking out to the garage to try and find things from boxes so frequently!
Ebony...now Ebony news.....She's beautiful, adorable, smiling, happy, EATING, full of fun and being a generally adorable toddler. She even likes vegemite..... Yes - I'm enjoying here more and more each day. We still have bad days or at least bad 'times', but all in all she's settling in very well. We had to travel back to Melbourne last weekend and it was a VERY full on few days. She got to meet more people than I could point a stick at I think and she was incredibly good and happy with almost everyone. We had a bit of a melt down the first night we were there - and I wondered if we had put her through change too quickly - and possibly we did. She seemed to be absolutely terrified. Interestingly the next few days were like a dream. She is cutting 4 eye teeth and 4 molars - so that could be all it was. She's a toddler....who would really know?????
She has started to really learn things - now if we ask her to clap her hands (without actually doing it ourselves) she claps! That happened last Tuesday 30/1 and melted me. It was like a huge relief to see that she was starting to comprehend. Now she can put her hands on her head when we ask her too along with a couple of other small things. The local Maternal Health Nurse visited on Friday night and she's a bit concerned about Ebony's development - but I truly believe that she's just not up with children who have lived the first 16 months of their life in an Orphanage. I don't want to bury my head in the sand, but I also trust my instincts. I'll do all that is suggested (OT and Audiologist etc), but I feel quietly confident she'll pass with flying colours.
She also had her first time in an in-ground pool yesterday and she absolutely loved it! It was a delight to see. I actually decided to buy her a small wading pool - which we tried out tonight and she had a ball! She loves water!
Her eating is improving no end. I can't believe she's the same child we brought home 3 weeks ago today.
I look at her beautiful little face and I can see how much her demeanor has changed. She had a long face when we first met her - now it seems much more round (does that sound stupid?). It's like her little face reflects how much happier she is.
Graham and I still look at her and both our eyes fill with tears. (I've included a picture of the 'crocs' daddy couldn't resist buying for her !!!) We are so in love with her. God sure knew what He was doing when He gave us her! She is very independent, but she's also very loving and so beautifully happy. Here you are....enjoy some beautiful photo's.

And here's our beauty one month on....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8Bm-X1chzVI

1 month along and lots of cold cups of tea!

Has it been a month? In some ways it seems like forever and in other ways it seems like yesterday....since what? Since my life was turned upside down :) ... I have made SO many cups of tea and found them cold some time later!
I want to take a moment to thank all the wonderful people that gently and kindly left posts - either privately or publicly - in response to my entry last Friday. You are wonderful people that put my heart at ease - your honesty had me weeping at times and I appreciate your wisdom and your willingness to share your heart and your thoughts with me.
I think the back pain I've been experiencing has coloured so much of my journey at this point. I had 2 really good days (in comparison to others) on Monday and Tuesday - and then yesterday morning I redid my injury, only this time it was on the left side of my back not the right. The pain has been overwhelming. I've had a lot of surgery in the past and put up with a lot of pain - but day after day of pain like this is something I've never had to deal with. It gives me a far greater understanding of what my mum and my husband have had to endure. I wouldn't wish this on anyone.
Needless to say - I just haven't been able to enjoy Ebony in the way I would so love to - but I do know that time will come. She is still melting my heart at times and pulling my heart out of my chest at other times. She swings from the happiest little girl to the angriest little girl in a heartbeat - but I now understand this is common with children who have never experienced love. Can you imagine that? Never to have experienced deep love at the age of 17 months. She doesn't know for sure yet that we are going to stay in her life - she doesn't know that we love her and would never leave her or harm her - she doesn't know who we are - she doesn't know what stability is or what a 'home' is. No wonder she swings in her moods. She desperately wants to be held all the time - which has been incredibly difficult for me. Graham has been able to stay home as much as he can - but there's a price to pay for that too with him being under so much pressure to build a home and provide an income too. I couldn't do this without him at the moment - he's been the shining light in a very dark tunnel. Graham and Ebony are bonding so well - she really wants him most of the time and as much as I'm delighted about it, it also breaks my heart because I just can't be what she needs at the moment. I'm glad God knows - 'cause I sure don't.
Yesterday we had some wonderful friends visit and stay for dinner (which the darling Teresa cooked so I could rest!). It was great and we took the children down to the creek and you'll see somem of the result in the photo's below. It was lovely family time and I'm looking forward to more of these when our home is built!.
Well, I'll post some photo's of the progress on the house in the next day or so, but in the meantime, here's a couple of photo's of my little angel.

Day 27 part b

Day 27

17 months old today

Day 17 part b

Day 17 part a

Video taken on day 9

A video taken on our Forever Day

Goodbye handbag - hello baby bag

How different could life be? I know all you who are mums already knew what it would be like - I never for one minute thought it would be easy - and it isn't. I love my little girl with a kind of love that I never knew possible. I now know that saying "you didn't grow under my heart - but you grew in it" is more true than ever. I would die for this little human being. She fills my day with sunshine and, at times, with showers. But I must say it's so different having to prepare a nappy bag every time I go out now - mostly my handbag stays on the couch these days. As long as I have my keys and purse the rest doesn't seem to matter. Even make up has become a bit of a thing of the past!
I don't know why more people in the adoption community don't talk about the difficulties that happen when you return - anyone I have spoken to has said what I'm going through is normal - yet no-one prepares you. I want to prepare others for the gamete of emotions that happen and for the dependence, even from a now 17 month old, that can happen. We talk so much about attachment of the child to us - but attachment from us to the child is never mentioned.
There are times when I look in my daughters face and think "who are you to me really" - what does mother/daughter really mean? What does it mean to you and what does it mean to me?
What I'm about to say could open me to criticism - but if you know me and know my heart you will know I'm simply being honest because I want to help anyone else who is about to embark on this leg of the journey. I love my little girl and I would never, ever, ever go back.
Ebony is far more demanding of my time than I would have ever expected - is that wrong? No. She's never had attention like she is getting now - she has had us 24/7 for the 4 weeks since she was placed in our arms. Now we are home and life is different. There have been suitcases to unpack, clothes to wash (and try to hang out), meals to cook (and eat if possible) - bills to pay, a house to build, a daddy who has to go to work at some stage. Ebony is not getting our attention the same way she was and she's really struggling. She follows me around and constantly wants to be held or carried (VERY difficult when you have bulged disc in your back which happened 12 hours before we left China and is another story for another day), but it's difficult even if you don't have a bad back. She can't seem to play happily on her own. We have very short windows where she will - but they are very short. I guess this is normal under the circumstances.
I also don't want to keep saying no to her when she touches the TV/computer/fire place - so what do I do? I think I've worked than one out - I distract her. I say a firm 'no', but then I remove her and take her to her toys. She does return eventually and we go through the same process. She is only 17 months old today and is not developed as a normal 17 month old would be - so I need to understand how new all this is to her too.
Toys - that's another interesting topic. Very little seems to keep her happy at the moment. I'm about to try to introduce a few and take away a few. I don't want her to have too many at once - but I'm not wanting to be mean either.
Sleeping - at the moment we've decided that we will get her off to sleep with us around and then transfer her to her cot. I'm not sure how we'll break this habit, but I know we will eventually. She has spent almost no time on her own since she was found - so that's a tough one. She's waking up in her cot in the morning and copes with that fine. Her sleeping pattern is wonderful - she sleeps 12+ hours most nights, although we had one night when we got home where she was awake from 3.30am until 5.45am (then slept until 10.30am)! We are trying to get her into a pattern. She will sleep 2-3 hours during the day too. She really is a wonderful sleeper and I'm so grateful for that - it gives me a chance to get some things done. I want to be able to play with her, but my back is making it almost impossible to get down on the floor. More than anything at the moment I want my back to get better! then maybe I'll start to know a new kind of different.
Eating - Ebony doesn't want to eat. She has 3 bottles a day which are a mixture of milk formula and rice cereal. The Orphanage also put glucose in her bottle but I've managed to wean her off that. She will eat cruskits now and a tiny bit of cheese and she'll put saltanas in her mouth but won't swallow them. I'm looking forward to seeing the Pediatrician and her doctor next week that's for sure!
She really does love her bath and that's a blessing and she also loves her stroller. We want to try and do a family outing soon where she can explore and see a bit of the outside world. It has been SO hot here that we have been inside most of the time - it's just too hot to go out. That's probably not helping either.

Well - there is so much more I want to say, but will leave it for a few days. I really don't know how much of what I'm feeling is due to my back. Maybe the sun would be shining much brighter if I wasn't in pain. I'm still a very, very happy Mummy, I'm just a bit confused and I guess all new Mummys go through all these feelings.

A journey of no return

Wow - how much can a life change in such a short period of time. Ebony has only been part of my life for 2 weeks and it seems like forever in the best possible way.
Ebony you have filled my life and my heart to overflowing - you have made part of me complete in a way that I never knew possible. You fill my days in a way that I never thought possible. (and we're not even home yet!)
You are such a little gem. For all you have been through you are learning to love us so well. You still have a bit of detachment, but all in all you now know who provides for you. I pray, as the years unfold, you learn more about who really provides for you.
You are an amazing sleeper - you travel well most of the time, although you have had your moments. You dance with your daddy - you love your bath - you smile readily but you also know your mind and when you don't get what you want you are sure to let me know. I'm learning to say 'no' because I know it will be for your good in time to come (and mine!).
You say 'dad dad dad' although we know this had a different meaning when you were in the Orphanage. You wave your beautiful little hands often, which we now know happens because of singing along to 'twinkle twinkle little star' in Chinese.
You are so beautiful - you have a gorgeous round face and LOTS of raven black hair. You have perfect almond eyes and a rosebud mouth. You have a slight underbite that we will have looked at on our return. You came to us with silky smooth skin that is now very dry and rashy - we'll have to have that looked at too. You have 8 teeth, although there is at least 1 that is beginning to poke through.
You wake up so beautifully in the morning - no hurry at all (could be a problem when we need to get you up for school though....). You are a happy girl who plays really well with the other girls - although you are starting to join in a bit more (where you were just sitting and watching before) and can be a bit rough on the littler ones.
You are walking now - which my heart isn't ready for but my head knows has to happen. You are getting very confident. All of a sudden we are having to move things out of reach (already!).
How my heart swells - how easily a smile comes over my face when I watch you. How grateful I am to God for the gift He has given us. A week and we'll be back in Melbourne and you'll get to meet many others who have waited and prayed with us for you. I love you sweetheart with a love that I never knew possible.

Shanghai

I want to say a big thankyou to eveyone who has posted comments - I have tried to respond but now the emails are down again - so please know how grateful I am and that you will receive a response as soon as my emails come up - they are all sitting in the 'outbox'. That is if I know who you are of course! Susan J I am receiving yours but for some reason any emails I have sent to you keep bouncing! Thanks for posting though!
Well today is day 2 in Shanghai - yesterday ws the medical day and you can read about it at www.ebonysfootprints.com You may also need to look at photo's there as the connection here is SO slow - I was up until after midnight trying to post photo's on the website!
Ebony is filling our hearts with joy. She is just a gem and we learn more and more about her every day. She still isn't eating solids although she is trying a bit more than she had been which is a start. She is a great sleeper and although I know there aren't photo's of her smiling (which I hadn't realized until mum pointed it out) she does smile! We are going to work at getting a photo at the right time today I promise.
We are back on a bus today, but at least the tours today and tomorrow are only 1/2 days. If Ebony can get her middle of the day sleep in her cot she is much, much better. It's very cold here 7 degrees today and 4 tomorrow, so we're really rugging up or the locals tell us off! They are beautiful people really - although far more beggars here than we have seen anywhere.
Well my heart continues to swell and I often find joyful tears in my eyes as I learn more and more about my daughter. Life is so different for her and yet she seems to be adjusting so well. She is still besotted with her daddy - just like I am :) I love seeing them together - it also fills my heart with such joy. What a journey - what a life ahead for us. We both are looking forward to bringing Ebony home to all the people who already love her - yet we also want to savour every moment we have here - loving her people and the Country that gave her to us.

Freedom

We had our first day of freedom yesterday and another one today. What a blessing. Our little girl slept for almost 3 hours! We are delighted more and more each day with the progress she is making. It would be very easy to think that she is coping completely. But I'd be a fool. She has had such major adjustment and at her age it's even harder. She is so much fun, but she can turn from fun to tears in seconds (yes I can hear all the mums saying that's normal :). I just keep observing. She is such a fun little girl and yet when we took her down to the playroom yesterday, she was very subdued. She's still not walking really. But she's very, very close. We just took it very easy yesterday and didn't venture far from home. Today we're going to the local department store and then back to the souvenir shop to have a bit of a better look around. Then mummy's doing a final shop before we leave here. We will be posting one box home for sure! Life is so much fun with Ebony in it - this last week has been totally filled with the high of highs and the low of lows - with confusion - joy - tears - laughter - pain - overwhelming love - uncertainty - tiredness - completness - and a peace that can only come (for me) through knowing all these emotions through my daughter.

A brand new year

...and who would have thought a year ago today that I would be in China this New Year with a beautiful new blessing from God in the form of Ebony.
I must mention that I can't get on emails at the moment because of the cable that has been damaged through the incident in ?Taiwan? I'll be back on line as soon as possible - but can't at the moment!
I don't want to talk a lot about what we did today - I just want to talk about the joy in my heart. The song that is there and wasn't before. I'm so 'filled' by this little girl who really doesn't understand or know me yet. She looks into my eyes now and I can see her confusion. I can read her pain and yet her joy. She is confused and there are times when I know she doesn't know how to express herself.
In her allocation photo's she was waving (look back on the posts around the 8/9th November) and we thought it was so sweet - now it is part of every day. She is the only one of the six that do this hand movement and we're told it's a game - but we love it to bits and so do the rest of the group. It's become her signature. The signature of a beautiful, happy and very sweet child. Yes she has her moments - but her general nature is incredible. We couldn't be happier.
I had to go and do some shopping for a few hours today and I truly missed her - I missed our family. It's a wonderful and special feeling and we could never go back to where we were - we will NEVER be the same. She is already filling our lives to overflowing. I know there will be difficult times in the future - but that will be when it will be - it's isn't now. Now it's just joy in the season.

We're back on line

It has been the most amazing few days - my heart has been all over the place. I'm emotionally exhausted. I am SO glad we took the journey down to Ebony's Orphanage - but I don't know that my life will ever be the same because of it. It was a wonderful day and a horrible day all in one. The Orphanage staff were so helpful and so grateful. I shed so many tears on that day. As we pulled up at the Orphanage the tears started and by the time we were sitting all together at the Directors table I was weeping and couldn't stop. He wanted to thank us and yet all I wanted to do was express my gratitude to them for looking after my little girl so well.
Seeing the inside of the Orphanage was a huge shock. I guess it's probably one of the better Orphanages, but I don't know that anything prepares you for what we saw. There were so many children that were all in their cot's at 11am in the morning. A few were sleeping and most were standing - some crying. There was the smell of urine and just a group of cots cluttered together. Their resources are so low. We were shown were Ebony spent the first 16 months of her life - she slept right next to Mei Gethen - the youngest child in our group. I had actually thought the day before that they had a bit of a connection.
We also got to peep in the nursery section and their I got to 'love on' a beautiful little hair lip/cleft palate baby. She was beautiful and she was very sad. I did all I could in a small space of time. But I've walked away trying to work out what more I can do to help them.
The next part of our journey (after lunch) - was the girls finding places. We were first and nothing could have prepared me for the gamet of feelings that fell on me. I was distraught and confused and so, so sad. What makes the world such that mummy's and daddy's have to leave their child in a place like this? I don't know that I will ever fully understand. I understand the parents and my heart cries out for their pain - but how could a government turn a blind eye to the realities? I was just a complete wreck for the rest of that day and woke up the next day feeling like I had been hit really hard. I still can't come to terms with it and yet I'll be eternally grateful we were given the opportunity. There are now fewer questions in my heart.
I just look at my little girl - at the miracle she is and I weep for the carers who have lost her and the mummy that had to make the difficult choice and who is missing out on such a joyful, happy and beautiful little girl. Here are some photo's. The ones with me with my hair up are firstly at the orphanage and secondly with the gold pillar's behind me - at the finding place. The third with me is on a tour the next day - loving being a mum to a sleeping beauty and finally in the bath - happy and loving it!

It's been so long!

I'm so sorry it's been so long. I am updating www.ebonysfootprints.com - so please just visit there in the "travel updates" tab and you'll see all that's been happening. Life is so busy being a new mum! But I will add some photo's for you to see if you can't get across to Ebony's site. She is an absolute miracle and she's beautiful beyond belief. We are both so in love with her and she is the happiest baby! She laughs so easily and she adores her daddy. She's not eating any solids yet - but at 10.5kg she has a bit in reserve! I had a day of worry, but I've decided to just keep up her fluids and she'll eat when she's ready. Well it's late and we have to be packed and ready to head by plane down to Ebony's Orphanage at 7.30am (I have NO idea how we'll do it - but we will!). Bless you all and thanks so much for your prayers.

and now it is the day!

Well the day has arrived. My darling little Ebony - you are in a car - probably for the first time in your life - on your 7+ hour journey towards us. My heart is just so full of love and anticipation. My arms are empty this morning - but by tonight my arms and my heart will be filled. You are already loved so much more than any words could possible describe. You are loved deeply and completely by us - but also by many other beautiful and precious people in whose heart you have grown for a long time. You have grown in mine since long before I even knew that you would come from a Country that I had never seen. Now I have seen it and experienced it and I just love your Country - the place that will always be special to me - because it gave me you.

I cry deep down inside for your mum - for the pain she has had to endure in giving you away - for the empty place in her heart that will always be there because she will never know the joy of you. She gave us that gift and I will be eternally grateful to her. Bless you sweetheart - my hopes for you are that you will know true joy in this life - that you will know the presence of God in your heart - that peace and love will be your purpose - that you will have a quiet strength that will help you through the many trials and tribulations of this life. I pray you will have a long life - that you will have a family of your own to give you a sense of continuity. I love you my little Angel - with a love that I don't understand at the moment, but I'm sure will make sense as the days unfold. Be happy - be blessed - be still and know the peace that transcends all understanding - on this - one of the most difficult days of your life.....and one of the happiest days of mine.

It's almost THE DAY

What can I say at a time like this - the feelings are so overwhelming. I'm just so filled with anticipation and I can't believe that tonight I lay my head on the pillow for the last time as a mummy in waiting. I just have tears of joy running down my face as I think of what tomorrow will hold - as I think of the amazing gift God has given us. My little angel is laying in a cot on the same soil as I am on today. She has no idea at all of what tomorrow holds for her. Please pray for her that she will be filled with peace as she takes the 7+ hour journey by road from Suixi to Guangzhou. I've moved beyond excitement. I have peace in my heart and am ready for sleep. Thanks so all the beautiful people who have emailed me - you have made this time even more special and have helped keep my eyes wet! I feel totally blessed and loved and supported. I have tried to email some back, but for some reason I can't through the blog from here - I will on my return. So - it's time for sleep - the sound of carols is filtering through into our room. I will sleep well and dream of sleeping beside my little girl tomorrow night and loving her in a way that I have never, ever know.

We're nearly on our way

I thought I'd post a photo or two of where the house is now at - no that's not rain and fog - it's the deck after it's just been stained and smoke! - no views at the moment. We have a bit of work happening whilst we're away, but not a lot.
Well - the time has come. I'm doing all the finishing touches and have finally finished packing. I'm so excited! So - for now - it's farewell. Hopefully, all going well, I'll post lots from China so you can kinda walk with us. Did I mention that I'm excited! I've had so little sleep and I can't see it getting any better. I want to take this opportunity to thank everyone for their love and support and to wish you all a very happy and peaceful Christmas. 'Talk' to you from China.........I'm not sure if I mentioned that I'm REALLY excited....

After the dust has settled

I thought I would show you a couple of photo's taken by a visiting fire-fighter last Sunday. These are taken at 'The Pondage" which is where I walk or ride around and it's about 4.5 kms from where we are living and about 2.5kms from the new home. Everything seems to have settled down now and the hot spots are more around Bogong Village and Falls Creek. The danger is still there, but not so bad. I'm taking photo's and insurance policies with me to Melbourne just to be safe. I've finally packed today - so were ready to go - Ebony has one suitcase and we are sharing one! I can't beleive we've actually been able to get everything into one suitcase! It's a miracle on it's own. We leave for Melbourne on Tuesday and then we fly out on Thursday. I have cried a lot today - just feeling overwhelmed and trying to come to terms with my excitement and nerves! What an incredible 6 weeks it has been. I've slept so little compared to normal. I guess that's just preparing me for motherhood!

How can this be happening?

  I've just returned from 5 days in Melbourne - it was exhausting and today I'm trying to come to terms with getting this home back into some sort of order and......bushfires. Yes - right on our doorstep. If you believe in God - please pray for us. It is such a stressful time with trying to build a home, sell franchises, get ready to travel and meet our longed for little daughter and try to cope with bushfires within 1000m of our new home. I've posted a photo to help you understand what we're contending with. It was taken last night on one of the visits we did to check on things and it was taken from the deck of our new home! I'll post again in a day or so when things settle down a bit

Busy, busy, busy

Time is going so quickly - I can't believe that in 3 weeks from this moment, I'll have my much longed for daughter in my arms. I think of it and I get tears in my eyes. This has been the most amazing journey. I don't think I could even truly describe the feelings that I have been through in the past month. I'm still coming to terms with packing for a child when I've never had one. Packing for a child when I don't really know her size. Packing for a child when...well...when I'm totally confused about what to pack! Here's a photo of what I'm trying to sort through! I know it will all work out - but it's very hard to get my head around. I'm actually NOT that busy - I'm just loving this period of my life. It is our 14th wedding anniversary on Wednesday - but we leave for Melbourne in the early hours of Thursday morning, so we celebrated on Sunday with a trip to Bright and a lovely afternoon together. This is our last season as a couple. I want us to make this time special - amongst trying to build a home, run a business in Melbourne and establish a business here! Sure!
Our relationship seems so rock solid at this time. We have huge stresses on us - but together we're making it making it. I'm not sure if I have a Heckle or a Jeckle when I call Graham during the day - but by the end of the day we're mates - and that's the main thing.
I've also include a photo of our 'temporary' nursery...... Yes, the mosquito net will have to go! but I love it at the moment. It can be part of her bedroom once she's in a bed. You have to give a girl credit for being a girl!
We've also progressed with our home the best we can - it is just coming along so well as far as I'm concerned thanks to our dear friend Steve Beattie and his wife Marg (for letting him go!) ... here are some of the images of where we're at. .... it probably looks a bit strange because it's a corragated iron home and this is the back, but it will look wonderful when it's finished! Keep watching for further developments......

We have our travel dates

It's been confirmed. We will leave on Thursday 21st December at approximately noon - then spend a night and part of a day in Hong Kong and late on the 22nd we'll catch a train to Guangzhou. It's meant to be a beautiful train journey where we will see quite of a lot of the countryside. We're all looking forward to that! We will arrive later on the 22nd at the place we will see our daughters for the first time - The White Swan in Guangzhou. We are able to take a trip to the Orphanage where Ebony spent the first 16 months of her life - it's another 1 hour plane trip, but we are so excited to be able to do this. We have been in contact with many others from all over the world that have/are - adopted/adopting from the same Orphanage. It's an amazing world on the internet. We have learnt so much.

We are so excited to think that in 5 weeks we will have our little girl in our arms forever.

We received an update on her and she now has 8 teeth! (less for us to worry about :)

I thought I'd add a photo taken when we saw Ebony's photo's for the first time along with a photo of our 'batch buddies' from Benalla who celebrated their new daughter's 1st birthday with out on Sunday :(

 

Life

Has it really only been 10 days since I last wrote? I feel like I've lived a lifetime in that time.
Just after my last post I left to meet Graham in Benalla (he'd been down in Melbourne since Wednesday night) and we had a weekend with the other members of our 'Batch' that will travel together to China. It was a wonderful weekend with lots of joy, tears, fun and exchanging of gifts. Came back to Melbourne Sunday night and then we got about filling out forms etc and trying to get back to a normal life. Wednesday I had the final sesison of my "Asian cooking class" which was great fun. I hadn't planned to go back to Melbourne until Monday 20th to lodge the immigration paperwork for Ebony, but I found out Wednesday that it had to be done ASAP, so Mandy from Benalla and I had to head down there on Thursday. It was a loooonnnng day. I was up at 4.30am and didn't return until 9.30pm! I was exhausted and an absolute mess on Friday. I then had Children's Ministry training on Saturday from 9.30-2 which I loved but was still feeling very exhausted. Sunday was Church, then lunch with one of the lovely couples from Church and their children and then we were of to Benalla again for the night and on to Melbourne Monday.
Yes, the house is progressing! Things are a bit slower simply because we have so much else to contend with - but it's happening. I've included the latest photo's.

Introducing our little girl....

We welcome you to the place in our hearts that you have filled for sooo long - we love you already, without seeing you in person. My heart weeps happy tears every time I look into your beautiful eyes. I love that you look so happy and that you are waving to us.

We are waiting for you our little miracle and will be there to bring you home as soon as we possibly can.

We have a daughter.....

Firstly - I want to say a special thank you to all the beautiful people who have emailed and left messages on my blog that I can't respond too because there are no email addresses - you are truly special people who have touched my heart. I'm overwhelmed by your kindness and your love and wish I could tell you personally!

Now for our daughter! her name will be Ebony Grace Xing Boote. She was born on 20th August, 2005 (one day after our file was logged in - in China). Her Chinese name is SUI, Hua Xing and she is way down South in Suixi Orphanage, Guangdong Province in Guangzhou (I'm learning lots of new names!).

I took Mum and Dad (who are visiting) up to see the new home at about 10.30am yesterday and I (luckily) diverted the home phone to the mobile. Boy am I glad I did! We got the call! - I didn't expect it until Wednesday night and it came at 11am! I was so glad to be surrounded by people we love and who love us. It was lovely. I couldn't believe it - I was running around the block trying to find pen and paper - then I had to have a long conversation with the Social Worker who called me - all about the home we are living in and her having to come and do an assessment - when all I wanted to do was get of the phone and shout it from the rooftop!

As soon as I hung up, I burst into tears of joy!

What a day it has been and then a night! I've slept all of 3 hours - probably preparing me for motherhood!

Well, we don't have a photo yet - that comes tomorrow - but I will post as soon as we get it!

Thank you Lord!

It has happened - the CCAA changed their website at approximately 8pm this evening and we're included! Yes - I'm a Mum - I don't know what to say - or think - or do! My heart has been so numb for the last week. It has been an incredible roller coaster - but now I have the confirmation I've waited so long for. How can I put it into words! other than to thank my wonderful God for His faithfulness to me - to us!

Here's the post on the CCAA site I've waited SO long to see.......the bottom paragraph says that placements are finished for all files to the 25/8 - we are 19/8 - so it definitely includes us.

The CCAA has finished the review of the adoption application documents registered with our office before December 31, 2005. The CCAA has finished the placement of children for the families whose adoption application documents were registered with our office before August 25, 2005.

No news yet with the adoption.....but some for the new home!

Life certainly has its ups and downs - but I'm choosing joy! There is still no news on the adoption front. It WILL happen and part of me can't wait - but I have to wait so I'm going to wait well :) As a result this post is about our developing new home! Here's some updated photo's.....













As you can see - the deck is amazing and it looks so much more like a home with windows in it!. The builders have worked very, very hard and they are due to leave on Wednesday and they won't be back they hope! They are both absolutely exhuasted! The rest will be up to us to organise trades to do. Bye 'till the next post.......

What will today bring?

Good sound sleep is becoming a thing of the past. I guess it's a bit like being in the very last stage of pregnancy. I'm awake far more than normal. I'm up checking emails at ridiculous times of the night. I can't think straight - and yet there is an incredible sense of peace.

We are staying with my brother and sister in law at the moment (and their 2 beautiful little girls!) - my sister in law (Bernie) is checking the CCAA site more often than I am, which is so sweet.

The reality is that we are most likely included in this next lot of referrals - but I really can't fully go there yet. I won't until it's official. I truly thought we would hear Mon or Tues - so I'm hopeful for today.

I don't want to wish away time - I have full faith that all things will happen when they are meant to and I don't want the time to go quickly when Ebony is home - so I must be patient now and enjoy this time and it's excitement.

The next post should be the one I've dreamed about posting for such a long, long time.

If I've ever wondered if I'm doing the right thing....

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100 good wishes quilt progress

For those of you who aren't aware - I've taken on the project of a 100 good wishes quilt which is a Chinese tradition. If you are interested in being part of this, just leave a comment on my blog (with your email address) and I'll send you what I'm doing. Anyone can participate! It's a gift for little Ebony when she's older and can understand its meaning. I have 24/100 squares (photo of them below) so far......here they are........and thanks so much to all of you who have been able to get their's done. I'm trying to have all the squares in by 30th November.

Today is what some would call Black Friday - not us though!

 

 

Well, don't things change a lot in one week!  I've been laid up after having knee surgery on Monday (everything went incredibly well) and today was my first chance to get back and see the progress.  I was thrilled!  Everyone's been working very hard (except me!).  The first photo shows what will be the kitchen.  The second photos is taken standing in the kitchen looking through the lounge.  The third photo is the view from the office!  Gosh I can't believe how incredible it looks.  We both feel totally blessed.

We've had a few issues this week with engineering and bracing - but so far so good. Trusses should be up in the next day or so and windows arrive on Monday! WOW.

In amongst this we patiently wait for news from China. We have to head back down to Melbourne Monday 23rd as we have a new employee starting and I have to have my post-op 

appointment. I truly hope that during that week we will have really good news!

Life has its twists and turns - but if I can leave it to God it works out as it should.

Our new home has started!

It's been 10 days since I posted. Already 10 days! it's so hard to believe that in another 20ish days we hope to hear the news we've waited SUCH a LONG time to hear. China is celebrating a National holiday this week - so most businesses close down. This could mean referrals are delayed by a week. Only time will tell.

Now for an update on the building. Below is a picture of where we are at as of today. The builders started on Monday 25th September and spent the whole week here (they are staying with us). The were due to go back home to Melbourne today, but ended up leaving on Monday because the frame and trusses have been held up and won't be here until next Monday. Our first delay. I'm actually glad because the home we are living in is ours again (going to have to get used to that changing!). Anyway, the weather was spectacular for the builders last week and they got lots done (and so did we!). We had to come back down to Melbourne on the weekend for Aislinn's Christening in Werribee. It was a LONG weekend, but it was lots of fun. A quiet week for me this week - just catching up on things - doing some craft and getting ready for surgery on my knee on Monday and the builders return.

 

So now there's news

Referrals came through at lunchtime today and they are through to the 9th August! That means we're 10 log in days away! So what does that mean???? Hopefully it means we'll be next, so late October we should hear. (Which would mean travel December I think) Oh my gosh - could it really be? I'd give it an 85% chance. Everything points to the fact that it should happen, but so many have been disappointed in the past. I really don't know how to feel, but mostly I'm excited.

I also have to tell you about the most beauitful card I received from my 9 year old niece Renee today. It made me cry - actually I'll post photo's instead.....they speak for themselves. Everytime I re-read it I cry. I went straight to the block (the builders have arrived) and I couldn't read it to Graham 'cause I was crying. I'm so lucky to have such a beautiful, caring niece who loves God like she does. (If you can't read it - she says "Dear Jen, I was so upset when you left. I could feel my heart beating because it knew that I was feeling upset. I hope you have a safe trip and I know GOD will be with you. POME (how cute!) : God loves you - He knows what you do - He hears the Cows go moo - and I LOVE YOU! ) Ooh - here I go again....tissues!

No news yet....

It's only early, but I just wanted to share. I've woken up this morning feeling better than I have since we arrived back "home" from our week in Melbourne. I didn't really realize that I wasn't doing so well last week. This is all such an adjustment, but I'm thanking God today for His goodness in helping walk me through this time in my life. The seasons are amazing here - a bit like life. Last week we had 26 degrees - yesterday we had warm sunshine to heavy hail and lo and behold I look out the window this morning and what do I see - snow again (I've included a photo). I couldn't believe it. Every time I think I've seen the last of the snow - it comes back. We also had a heavy frost this morning - and now the sun is shining beautifully. Well - I'm off to see Graham at the block - at least with some sort of a spring in my step. The builders have arrived and life is going to look very different for us for the next few months as they will be living with us 10 days on and 4 days off (at least 3 times, maybe more). I pray I'll be writing really good news again before this day is out.

Meet some of my special friends

Tomorrow I hope to post more information on the next round of allocations - which could be a very exciting post - but before then, I want to introduce you to 2 of the children that have recently returned from China - Gabriella, who I spoke of earlier in the year and now Aislinn - who only returned on the 10th September. The first photo is Gabriella on the grass at playgroup - then Aislinn's referral photo (in the cane chair) and then Aislinn on her first day at home after flying in from China with her mum and dad (in the bottom right corner) - Derek and Sandi who were in our Education sessions. Both these little girls are so beautiful and it's a delight to be part of their lives. They both have wonderful and loving parents and being so far away from them is one of the sad things about living up here in Mt. Beauty!

A new place to call home

It's happened - here I am in beautiful Mt. Beauty. As I write, the sun is setting over snow capped Mt. Bogong. The peace and serenity of this valley has to be seen to be believed. I know it's not been a good snow season, but it's still spectacular. I go to sleep at night and it is SO incredibly quiet it's hard to describe.

I'm finding the transition more difficult that Graham - he's settled in beautifully and hasn't looked back - I had to remind him on Sunday that I'm leaving behind so much of what and who is important to me. Most of my family and all my friends who have walked the journey of adoption with me over the past 2 years. I know I'll be ok - it's just going to be difficult for a while. I wake up in the morning and there is absolutely NO pressure at all. It's hard to believe after what life was like in Melbourne. I'm not working at this stage - I'm trusting God will open doors if that's what He wants me to do, but I won't be surprised if he simply wants me to "be" for a while and not "do". I feel much better today - yesterday was a tough day. I arrived up here last Wednesday and then had to go back to Melbourne for the day on Saturday. It was fun but exhausting. I guess I'll get used to it!

We're in temporary accommodation which still has beautiful views, but obviously is not the place to put our roots down. I'm praying that this will be where we bring little Ebony Grace home to (because of the timing more so than anything).

Today the CCAA updated their site to show that they have now matched up to 22nd July - not at all what I had hoped. I really hoped they would process to the end of July - but they didn't. What does it mean - who knows? Every month I think the picture will become more clear - but it doesn't. I'm still believing in my heart that we will travel in December - I can't possibly bring myself to believe anything else. I'll deal with it when and if I have to. There is simply too much change happening at the moment for me to try and deal with what may or may not happen. Officially we now have 28 days between when they have referred to (22nd June 05) and when we will be referred (when they reach 19th August 05).

In the meantime I spend hours sending and answering emails explaining how much things have changed over the past week - planning for the new home with Graham and dreaming of what life will look like in the next chapter.

A year ago today our file was logged in in China.

It's Saturday today and I'm sitting in my room at Mark and Bern's. We returned from our holiday on Queenslands Sunshine Coast on Thursday afternoon. We finally had what I call a "real" holiday. We only hired a car to get to and from the airport - other than that we walked and enjoyed the amazing sunshine. 22-24 degrees almost every day. We had such a beautiful location - we could see the place where the Noosa River enters the ocean at Noosaville - from our bed! (see photo!) Needless to say it wasn't hard to "lay in" in the mornings. We barely went out for meals - we just enjoyed our surroundings and felt totally blessed to be there.

There have been another lot of adoption allocations since I last wrote and the CCAA have now allocated all files received up until the 13th July 2005. We really only have 37 days between when they are up to and our date. What that means I just don't know at this stage. You would think that as we get closer it would be easier to guage - but it's still all guesswork. At least now I really do think that Ebony will be home for Christmas. It's been 1 whole year today since our file was logged in in China. It's also been the toughest year of my life. But I KNOW it will be worth it.
How am I feeling? In total upheaval. We have come home and now we are really unsure of what to do. We are both leaning toward me giving up work and going to live in Mt. Beauty and trusting God that the finances will work. I just don't feel that I could live apart from Graham. It doesn't seem right. I'll know more on Monday and will post soon after, but I think my days in Melbourne are now numbered. We both do.

How am I feeling?

These are such interesting times for me. We have so much happening it's almost beyond my ability to cope. If I thought too deeply about what's going on I think I'd collapse. Our home has sold and we are moving out in 3 weeks. We have been offered a 3 bedroom home in Mt. Beauty rent free while we build - which is an incredible blessing. We move on the 4th August and then come back to Melbourne on Monday 7th and (thank God!) we leave for 8 nights on the Sunshine Coast - which couldn't be better timed. We return on Thursday 17th August and then on Monday 21st, Graham will officially move up to Mt. Beauty and I'll move in with my brother Mark, his wife Bern and my 2 beautiful nieces Bec (3.5) and Lizzie (1). There I'll stay until China (whilst we try and build a home in Mt. Beauty!). Gosh! Adopting - building a home - moving - living apart........I can't believe it's all happening - and SO fast. I feel extremely overwhelmed - but I know it will be OK - it will all happen. I just don't know how at this stage. Work is also a puzzle for me - I love working at the Church and they are being so incredible loving and gracious. I know it's hard on them, trying to plan around my uncertainties - they are an awesome group of people to work with. I am continually fighting feelings of disconnectedness and I guess uselessness. I'll just fill in the spots wherever I'm needed and pray that I'm useful.

I've already started packing and the room that I lovingly painted and decorated has now been dismantled :( It's hard to believe Ebony will never sleep in there!

On the adoption front - I'm just waiting for the next lot of allocations to come through, which should be in the next 10 days. That will tell us ALOT about what will happen from here. I'll certainly post when I hear the next lot of news!

Written by Jen for Ebony Grace

I did it! I put my thoughts into a poem whilst I was away at Lakes Entrance last weekend. It's far from perfect - but it comes from the heart....

My darling little Ebony Grace
How much I long to see your face
Such emptiness has my heart long felt
Yet I know when I see you just how it will melt.
A lifetime of sadness, a hole not yet filled
Yet God’s loving plan will see my tears stilled
He formed you and made you – especially for me
He’s watching your life now – as He does so you’ll see.

My love for you sweetheart seems so intense
There’s times when I wonder if it really makes sense
Sometimes I try to picture your face
And often I imagine your baby embrace.

How different my life is going to be
I can’t even express how that thought sets me free
I pray that the journey that brings us together
Will move along quickly so we’re a family forever.

The place of your birth is so special to me
As is the woman who with sadness set you free
She’s brave ‘cause she did what most couldn’t do
In the depth of her heart she lovingly knew
Giving you up was the best thing for you.

So know my sweet daughter I’ll do all I can
To love you and guide you to fulfill our God’s plan
Remembering for ever the gift that she gave
Loving you forever is my way to repay.

Another bit of excitement

We're another step closer. Yesterday the CCAA changed their website to show that children had been allocated for all files logged in up to and including 28th June (we were logged in on 19th August - that means they have 48 days of files to get through!) - that means we're now officially the next Victorian Batch to be allocated! This lot of allocations was an increase in the number of days too - they allocated 13 days - which is a vast improvement on a few months ago. We can realistically say that there is an outside chance we'll get allocation in August (travel Oct), a slight inside chance for September (travel Nov) and a reasonably strong chance for October (travel Dec).....so our precious little girl could be home for Christmas. It's almost too scary to say. I'm feeling really excited at the moment....will post again soon on other "life" events that are going on.

We're edging forward.....

This photo was taken on Mother's Day. No - I'm not sad, as a matter of fact I barely thought about it until the waitress offered a free glass of bubbly to "Mums". I didn't know what to say - but my precious Dad did - he ordered one for me and went on to make sure the waitress knew exactly what was happening. Thanks Dad - you made me feel special. At least I believe I can say with certainity that this WILL BE my LAST Mother's day where I don't have a child to hold in my arms (although I think I thought that last year!!!)

Another round of allocations (referrals) have come through (yesterday). This time they are through to the 15th June, which means China made it through 9 days this time. Not great - but not bad either. I feel the best I have felt for most of the year today. I don't know why - I think I've just come to terms with waiting. My guestimate at this stage is that we will get allocation in October (late) and travel in December. I can cope with that.

We've officially made the decision to move to Mt. Beauty in the foothills of Falls Creek in mountain country Victoria. We are both very excited, although I'm a little more reserved than Gra. It means separation from family for me - at a time when I was really looking forward to being an "at home" Mum and spending time with my sister and sister-in-law. All I can say is that God knows - I don't. The part I love is selecting all the kitchen/colours/tiles etc for the new home. I laugh when I walk past Ebony's room at home and see all the work I put into it and knowing she may never actually sleep in it now! Gosh life is funny.
We've decided to go ahead with life as if the adoption isn't happening - that way we just continue to plan and when it happens we'll make everything fit together. I don't know how, but again I know God does.

The Red Thread

Came across this today and had to share it! It explains so beautifully the "Red Thread" that I occasionally refer to.......

Why China??

A red thread to China was cast today,
from us to a child so far away.
This thread symbolizes an attachment of hearts,
that distance alone can’t keep us apart.

Her mother and I are caught in a chase,
that time alone will bring us to face

This loving young child we want so much to greet,
with love in our hearts before we did meet.
This tiny, thin thread may stretch, tangle or fray,
but our love for her grows stronger each day.
Through the test of time it won’t break or sever,
she’ll be part of us forever and ever.
With oceans between us, the distance is spanned,
by a love that is greater than man could have planned.
For God in His mercy loved her and us,
and decided our family would be a great plus.
So for now we’ll just love her and pray every day,
that God keeps her and loves her for us till we may,
travel to China, that land of great past,
to the side of our daughter, to hold her at last.

~Author Unknown~

Life Lessons

I haven't been well over this last week and it's given me time to read. In the last couple of days I've finished a book called "The Waiting Child" and in the last 1/2 day have read the book "A Treasury of Adoption Miracles". I have learnt SO much. Now - finally - it all makes sense. Now I see how we are the lucky ones - God chose us because He knew we could do it. He knew we could love a child from a different culture - one that has grown IN our hearts - although not under it. Deep in my heart I have felt that a lot of my purpose has been to fill the empty place in my heart - now that is a an added blessing. What an amazing God we have - what an awesome journey it has been over these years - and what a privilidge to know that God knew all along what I didn't. I have cried many tears over the past days - each page I have turned has opened my eyes to the struggles and challenges that lay ahead - but they are tears of joy, expectation and readiness. Praise be to God.

A taste of excitement......

I had to do a quick post to share my excitement that our friends Leanne and Hao became a "family" at about this time yesterday. I mentioned them in my last post and it's so exciting to hear that 2 have now become 3! Little Gabriella is settling in well. Apparently she is tiny - fitting into 00's when Leanne expected 0's. I'm just so excited for them and having this happen at this time really does give me a ray of sunshine. I can't wait to see them as a family and to finally meet tiny little Gabriella. This journey is amazing and as I said to my friend Lyn this morning, I find myself shifting between so many different emotions - and at times just pushing down any feelings at all - but at the moment I feel lots of joy for Leanne, Hao and precious little Gabriella.

And another month goes by......

Here I am - a month later. It's hard to know what to say. Work is so busy at the moment I'm really not having much time to think.
We've recently completed 3 weeks cleaning at the Commonwealth Games Village. That certainly made time go quickly. During that time we also had a weeks holiday up at our favorite place - Mount Beauty in NE Victoria. A place to find peace and rest. It was wonderful.

It really does seem that the adoption process has slowed down dramatically. At the end of March the next lot of allocations were posted on the CCAA website - this time there were only 5 days of files - the close off was 30th May LID's (see previous post for explanation!). This has been devastating for our dear friends in Vic Batch 20 who have been waiting since November for their allocations. They missed out on the last lot by 8 days, and now by 3. The only ray of sunshine I could give them was that they would definitely be in the next lot.
We really don't know what is happening, but I'm holding on hard to the fact that our local Department and the overseas Agencies are saying that the wait from LID to allocation is now about 12 months. That means we would get allocation in about August and probably travel September/October. My upside is that the weather will be much better then!
I've really had to have a good talk with myself and find peace in the knowledge that this will happen in God's timing - not mine. And His timing is always perfect.

We had a wonderful get together at our place on March 25th with our "travel buddies" who we will travel to China with. Our dear friend Lyn Smith (Manda's mum) came along and talked to us in depth about what to expect from here and the various processes we will encounter along the way. It was an amazing afternoon. We all really enjoyed getting to know each other better and also learning more about the process.

The other exciting thing is that at the time of the last allocations, the CCAA website also changed to reflect the fact that all files with a LID in August passed through the review room and are now in the matching room. That's exciting - that is where we will be matched with our precious daughter Ebony. It's just so exciting to see some change and some progress.

It's also exciting to know that our friends Leanne and Hao leave TOMORROW to meet their precious daughter "Gabriella Grace" - this is such an exciting time for them and I can't wait to hear of their journey and to see their darling baby daughter when they get home. I wish them every blessing on their journey.

Till next time......

A special day

Today is a special day - for many reasons. It's my birthday for one - but more importantly it's the last one I'll spend not being a mum.
My darling husband presented me with a most precious card and gift this morning (not something he often does!). He gave me a beautiful card that spoke of my last birthday not being a mum and of the mum he believed I would be and his gift to me was one of the "Willow Tree" series called "Angel of mine - so loved, so very loved". It's a carved figure of a mother and baby -I cried - and so did Graham. I have looked at these figures so often and longed for one (I've given many as gifts!) - but never wanted to buy one for myself. Who more special to give me one? I'm so touched and so grateful to have a man like I do in my life.

On to the adoption - It's been a challenging start to the year with mixed news about the timeline for adoptions - I thought I'd take the time to explain the process because so many are asking me what is going on.
Once our file was received in China we got a Log In Date (LID) - from here on, that is the most important date for us. Once in China, our file moves into the review room at some point, where it stays for some 1-2 months, and then it moves to the matching room. It is in the matching room that we are allocated a child and soon after we are advised we have been allocated. At this stage there are 2 batches ahead of us - we're Vic Batch 22 and there are still Vic Batches 20 and 21 to be allocated. In the last few weeks, the China Centre for Adoptive Affairs put on their website that "all files received in China with a LID of June 05 had been reviewed and that they had finished the allocation of children for the families whose adoption application documents were LID before May 25, 2005."
Soon after that notice was put on the CCAA website (approx 24th Feb) allocations started to come through. Unfortunately Batch 20 (Victoria) missed out by about 8 days. Their LID was 2nd June 05. The CCAA site still says the same and all of us waiting are regularly checking for those dates to change. Rumour has it that all files with a July LID have now been moved to the matching room and all files LID August are in the review room. IF this is true - we could be a June/July allocation - if it isn't true, who knows. My heart crys for those in Victoria Batch 20 - to miss out by such a few days.
The good news has been that friends we have made in the adoption process - Leanne & Hao Cheng - have been allocated. They were actually behind us in the process (LID 26th September), but because Hao is from Chinese descent, their file was what is termed "expedited", which means they get allocated earlier. I couldn't be happier for them. I cried as I read their post and the joy they were feeling. A tiny 8 month old baby daughter - Lei Jin Shi - I can't wait to see photo's. It helps so much to have any allocations coming through - there is so much joy coming out of the "posts" on the Families with Children from China (FCC) site that it really helps me to keep focussed on what is ahead for us.

So that is where we are at on this day - I'm heading out to do some gardening and then we're going to a BBQ with some of our China "batch buddies" as we call ourselves 'cause we're all travelling to China together and some other friends we went through the process with who are adopting from Ethopia.